Yearning for the Past
©June 10th, 2016
By Vijaya Sundaram
Usually, I live in the present. Some days, however, a deep nostalgia, akin to grief, grabs hold of me and doesn’t let go. This surprises me, because I like to think of myself as being free from all that. I’m not.
I yearn for every single minute of my life, every moment, whether good or bad. I want to relive everything with a double sense of self– my younger self in that moment in time, and my present self, watching over me.
I yearn for the indefinable newness of everything when I was young. Yes, there’s newness now, as well, but I want to go to that first sense of wonder at experiencing the world through childhood, teenagehood, young adulthood, even my entry into motherhood. I could list all those memories, sensations, emotions and thoughts, but this is not about listing.
One cannot step in the same river twice. I know that. There is one place where the shadow of a shadow of a shadow of my lived life can be captured – in my mind, and through that, into words on paper, or the screen, where it undergoes another transformation.
Reality is Supreme, and Life is supremely indifferent.
I know every fold in my brain contains those first impressions, and all the minutes, the hours, the days of my life. I still remember some things so vividly, it’s almost as if I were there – they’re not so much memories that one can share as much as sensations of things.
In the end, all of this will be dust. Where will all those memories go? Will my daughter’s cells carry the memories of her parents’ cells? And do we all carry not just our own, but also our ancestral memories?
Perhaps, those memories will join the ether, and transmit themselves through dreams.
Or, perhaps, those memories will form themselves into new people. And when those people meet, they will feel kin, and wonder why.
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